Pumpkin Shmear Random Thoughts on Random Things.

STUDENT GOVERNMENT ELECTIONS

STAFF REPORT

      At around 10:37 a.m. Wednesday, 467 unused pencils (yes, we went through the garbage and counted them all) were found manhandled into a trash can near the Collonade. A pencil on top was engulfed in a Unite Party sticker that someone had wrapped around the it, as though the pencil was slowly being choked to death by a big blue raindrop.
      Just mere seconds before, an evil-looking man wearing a Students Party t-shirt was seen purchasing a large box of pencils from the UF bookstore for $2.89 and mumbling to himself as he left the Reitz Union.
      Two very trustworthy eyewitnesses saw this student, who they claimed was none other than Robert Davidson, 20 (pictured below), the part-time babysitter of the Students Party’s dog, take the pencils, snap 7 of them in half and throw them into the garbage as hard as he could.

     Portuguese studies & packaging science dual-major Jenny Porchal, 18, said she was in between classes, just standing outside the Reitz, watching the garbage can, when Davidson came storming out of the Reitz Union and committed the crime. “It was the most horrid thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” she whispered from the confines of her bed in the Shands Mental Health Care Division. Porchal was severely emotionally affected by the incident and is in critical condition. She is not expected to live. 

      Kenneth Gross was sitting next to the trash can of interest, where he lives, and also witnessed the Terrible Travesty of 2012. Gross, 72, said that when the culprit noticed that he was being watched, Davidson said, “Hello. Would you like a pencil? I don’t need them. I’m just throwing them away, because I already have so many at home.”
      Gross was disgusted by the adamant lie and immediately started punching Davidson in the face. “I knew that he was a liar,” he explained. “He wanted those pencils broken so that students would have to write in their own blood instead. And as he wanted blood, I gave it to him.”
      UFPD arrived on the scene, at first cheering Gross and providing him with rocks and pinecones to use on Davidson, but eventually breaking up the one-sided fight and letting Davidson go.
      Robert Davidson could not be reached for comment. The Students Party Prime Minister agreed.
      “Robert Davidson was not involved, as his home is in Bolivia, hasn’t been on campus for 141 years and is currently dead.”
      The Unite Party’s President’s agent said he was not surprised.
      “The Students Party is known for evil practices and has been found guilty of school supply slaughter in the past,” he said, referring to Fall 2010’s infamous staple-remover scandal, in which GDIs were not allowed to eat high-cholesterol products until they voted for Students Party and/or destroyed a staple-remover, a difficult process that shows one’s loyalty to a cause. Over 12 innocent staple-removers were exterminated.
      “I’m glad someone finally stood up for what was right and beat him senseless.”
      Capt. Elle Fanswago on the UF Police Department said that this incident may be considered a crime even though he did purchase the pencils, as Davidson was breaking and throwing them away with malicious intent, therefore disturbing the peace. He also accidently threw one in the “Plastic & Glass Bottles Only” recycling bin, a violation of Florida Statute #925014.341. The Eagle Pencil Co. & RoseArt are debating whether or not to press murder charges.
      Jake Barbath, assistant to the assistant dean of students and the director of university trash can incidents, said that it is unclear if Davidson’s crime is grounds for arrest and/or capital punishment.
      “It’s a close shave, that’s for sure. He’s a sharp guy, but will have trouble erasing this from his record. He’ll be either (1) arrested or (2) put to death. And personally….I’m hoping for a #2.”

Staff writers Daniel LeVine, Nowun Ells & Thattz Awl contributed to this fake news report.

This article is only a comedic parody - for fun! The Unite Party, Student Party and UFPD were not involved in the creation of this article.

I was a camp counselor this past summer. And my campers were very interesting people. I wrote down new facts that I learned every day. Here they are:

*This post is rated PG-13*

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Please note that the following rankings are for Einstein’s Shmear only. Philadelphia and other cream cheese companies are not included.

1. Pumpkin

By far one of the best inventions in world history; imagine pumpkin pie, but less bitter, more creaminess and on a bagel. Fantastic. Combine with pumpkin bagel and pumpkin muffin for extreme pumpkininess.

2. Sun-Dried Tomato & Basil

Indescribable. Great sun-dried tomato taste, yet does not taste like someone poured Prego sauce on your bagel. Still, goes great with the Asiago cheese bagel.

3. Honey Almond

I usually have this as my “dessert” bagel. The fluffiness of the shmear (as opposed to thickness of Philadelphia cream cheese) makes the bagel taste even more heavenly.

4. Onion & Chive

Can’t really go wrong here. Subtle flavor that adds taste to any boring bagel.

5. Smoked Salmon

Have lox without worrying about it falling off your bagel! May be a little too fishy.

6. Jalapeno Salsa

If you like spicy, you’ll like this. If not, you won’t. Also, if I remember correctly, the jalepeno bagel is even spicier. So watch out.

7. Plain

If bagels had a pH, this would be 7.

8. Garlic Herb

I guess this is good, but why would you choose it with 7 other yummy options?

9. Garden Veggie

Thought process of people who buy this: “Hmm…why put real vegetables on my bagel when I can just have it blended into dust-sized pieces and mixed with cream cheese?”

10. Cappuccino (cancelled)

This was weird. I don’t want to talk about it. But it did exist.

11. Strawberry

I used to like this, but now it just tastes like strawberry yogurt on my bagel. At least strawberry yogurt is okay-tasting.

12. Blueberry

I don’t understand. Strawberry yogurt is one thing. But if pumpkin shmear is one of Man’s greatest inventions, bluberry shmear is it’s greatest mistake. Of all the flavors in the world, why would one choose to create cream cheese out of fruit with a weak flavor? I’ve had Philadelphia pineapple cream cheese that tastes better than this. This needs to be the next cancellation. Thousands of blueberries die every day to make this disgusting shmear.